Denver, 6 juli 1999 Gentlemen, start your lycra. Will we be recycling our urine or will there be any new stories outa this years' Tour? Gotta finish the Sports Illustrated article about the guy (team masseur, pharmacist, etc.) who got busted last year transporting turbo substances across international borders. Tired of all their dicketry, he (in a contagious American tradition) has written a "kiss and tell", er "piss and tell" book. One of his tricks to get riders through doping control in the '80s went like this: (I'm copying directly from the article, in case you're wondering where the descriptive terms came from...) "He would fill a condom with "clean" urine, then attach a rubber tube to it. He would plug the tube and glue small hairs onto it for camouflage. After a race, before heading to doping control, a cyclist would come to the team car and insert the condom of clean urine into his anus. The tube would be glued into his crotch, the fake hair blending into the real hair of his nether regions should a doctor be so bold as to inspect. When it came time for the sample, the rider would unplug the tube and fill his sample cup with warm, drug-free urine." So much material to work with....where to begin? First of all, what's with this "small" hairs? A bad translation of "short" hairs? And how many different "colors" did he have to prepare? (Does it matter of the curtains don't match the carpet?? Old stripper joke... or the Welcome mat at the front door doesn't match the mat at the back door?) Latex or natural condoms, smooth or ribbed for her pleasure? Are the "nether regions" anywhere near the Netherlands? The whole process gives new meaning to the term "anal leakage". If a tube was glued to ones crotch every day (and supposedly removed when all was said and done), would there be any "large" (as opposed to "small") hairs left at all? Or would one have bald balls? Quite the "prick"ly situation. Is that where the expression "piss and moan" originated? Were any doctors "so bold as to inspect?" Or did they call in the accountants to work it out with a pencil? Did aliens give Cartman an anal probe or just stick a big metal hoopaju up his butt? Your turn. Short sHAIR